back to!

My pitas page

Monday, May 26, 2003
02:18 a.m.

I am sitting here wondering y the one person in the world i could tell ne thing too and have never lied to is tellin me not to talk to him. He has cut me out of his life for reasons I dont understand. This hurts me so much and I feel it doesnt even affect him. I don't understand........

Sunday, May 25, 2003
10:39 p.m.

Well I am sitting here pondering the things that occurred today and all i can think about is this has been a strange day for me. I lost a friend......go hit on a couple times.....found out some new things....and now i am just plain fuckin bored out of my skull. Horny as hell....havnt had sex in like 5 u need to hear that. Wonder why i am the way i am....someone actually figured out the kind of guy I look took long enough. Sitting here listening to rock music and hearing every word as the truth and my life. A friend of mine from school, his gf had their baby last weekend. I kinda think I am jealous.....thats something I always find the one who makes me light up inside without them even knowing and sharing a moment like that. That is a moment of heaven, and now i'll never know it. I'll settle and find something close to it just so I can bare life. Time can be so cruel and yet so precious. When I am in love and with that person....time is both, but alone it is just cruel. I sit here and rot away in my head thinking of things I could only dream of having in my life. Sex is an out for me....a way to feel close to someone for just a moment in life.......just a simple monumental moment. My perfect life would to be just in love and loved in wouldn't care, just with that person. Until then I hide in my shell until I dare to com out....time give me something to find precious within you.

lost friendship
Sunday, May 25, 2003
05:55 p.m.

i lost one of my best friends today, by his own choice. I think i understand his reason but then i dont. It really hurts to not have him in my life ne more, but i guess it makes things easier on him........thats all i can write for today.

Friday, May 23, 2003
10:38 p.m.

hey dont remember the last time i entered a entry here. Oh well it couldn't have been that long ago. Got a date tomorrow night........ha'vn't been on one in awhile, but I am not that excited. Feelings still messed up about a certain person. Oh well I'll do my makeup....put on a cute top, and be my usual flirty self. Probably kiss if the movie sux......come home.....get undressed hop online and try to forget the night happened. All i need is one decent guy who I can get a breath of fresh air with..start something knew. A guy who can handle me......if there is such a guy out there. I am quite high maintenance....I just expect alot.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
01:43 p.m.

well im sittig here pondering some stuff and sweating my ass off in front of a fan. i really have nothing deep or insightful to say today.......just felt like writing. macaroni and cheese makes shitty company. music is my only outlet today........and this. wow what a boring entry.....ok im done i wouldnt want to make any one get a nose bleed and die from reading this.

fairy tales dont happen in real life
Saturday, May 17, 2003
01:11 a.m.

I went to the movies 2night with Michelle and we saw the matrix kinda sucked. I went to get my mind of man problems, but it didnt work.....we even got kinda drunk but it only made me think of the stuff that was upsetting me even more. Michelle started to get a tattoo on her arm and was supposed to call her bf but he didnt answer. She is currently wish there ws some way that i could forget about him and pretend he means nothing and that it isnt killing me not to have him in my life, but no matter what i do hes always there in the back of my mind. I keep wondering if i had just showed him the other side of me would things be different. Honestly i just think he was incapable of loving me as most ppl are. It wouldnt be the first time that someone wasn't able to love me the way i love them. My tattoo wasn't done to remind me of him but i got it done the same night so everytime i look at makes me hurt inside. I wish i could go back in time or actually have a real chance to show him what he means and what we could be. I need to stop living in the past....he made his choice....cause he doesnt dare take the chance with me....when i am totally committed this time 100% and know what i want now and have my head on straight. Life is so unfair. I wish he knew that its his arms i dream about being held by at night and no one elses. He makes me complete. I feel like i have just lost my friend, my lover, my soul mate......we're still friends but i want so much more. I'll find a way to cope eventually and realize how he could never love me in ne way.....never did and never will.....just friends....a good friend.....not the fairy tale ending ppl hope for.